Dear Starfish Diaries

Losing Weight is a Bitch.

I wish I could blame my 30-something metabolism for my weight gain, but sadly this muffin top has only me and my poor choices to thank.  I carried it around like a squishy inner tube for most of my 20s, and only bade it a brief farewell after a few months of anxiety-induced fasting and an accidental running habit.

It was pretty crazy, actually- I ended a long relationship and began dating my (now) husband, and the guilt/excitement/skinny jean fad all led to a steep decrease in my intake.  I literally would forget to eat- and please know that I, like you, want to punch every person who has ever uttered those words.  I also started running to burn off that nervous energy (and to have a quiet place to text my new man like a stalker), and lost ten pounds without even noticing.  I remember stepping on the scale and being totally in shock.  That accidental success led to some more purposeful dieting and extreme exercising, and I was quickly in the best shape of my life…and terrified of sliding backward into muffin-top land.

Fast forward a few years; an injury, a delightfully horrific bout with panic disorder…and my inner tube found me.

I’m not going to lie, I miss that flat belly and the amazing feeling that clothes look good at every angle!  But I wouldn’t give up the lessons learned, coping skills gained, and life changes made just to get back into my skinny jeans.  I’d rather be the person I am now- happier on the inside– than be the insecure, lost person I was back then (with a great ass).

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I remember a part in Eat, Pray, Love where Elizabeth Gilbert is leaving Rome, having gained weight from all the amazing food and wine she enjoyed during her trip.  She looks at herself in the mirror and feels gratitude for the gift of becoming more, both inside and out.  Literally taking up more space in the world.  I’m feeling that gratitude.

…But dude, my pants are too tight so my happy, balanced self needs to make some changes.

So let’s make a plan.  I work well with plans!  Actually, back it up- I’m going to make a PLAN for the plan.  Here’s the plan:

  • Create a Morning Routine involving fitness, food and meditation.  This sounds awesome until the alarm goes off.  But I want to make it happen.
  • Eat more Whole Foods.  I’ve mentioned (or gone on and on and on) that I’m vegan.  Which is awesome and I feel great about that emotionally.  But my body feels like crap because I stuff it with bagels, pretzels, frozen fake chicken patties, and oreos (yes, they are vegan).  So I need to get my ass in gear and make some real food.  Time to break out the Thug Kitchen cookbook, bitches.

And that’s the plan for the plan.  I’m going out of town this weekend so I get a few days to think it over, and then it’s getting fleshed out.  You’ll notice the plan does not include hardcore workouts or dieting, or daily weigh-ins.  That’s on purpose.  I want to move more and eat better without making such a drastic shift that’s not sustainable, and makes me feel like poop.  If I put this plan into action and feel awesome but the scale doesn’t budge, I’ll truly be ok with that.

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So stay tuned, my readers-to-be.  The plan I’m planning is coming soon.

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